If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
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Tier 3 meme
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.