“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
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Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
unless you’re dead wearing a sheet you got no business ghosting ppl.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)