stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I was bored.