This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Eat…
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle