My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
🤣🤣
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet