Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
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“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do