An owl showing some catlike behavior.
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My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Who’s your best friend?
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.