Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars