When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
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when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
shampoo implies shampee
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Steam Forums
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My zodiac sign is pistachio
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv