me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
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If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
😂😂
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]