It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
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During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?