My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.