I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
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“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more