*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
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ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.