the prophecy has been fulfilled
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Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Meeeee too!
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.