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[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.