Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
You Might Also Like
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.