Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
This is my brand.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.