If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL