DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
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In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Well, that should do it
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.