My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
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Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.