Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
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My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school