[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.