getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
You Might Also Like
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Said the murderer.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
nice challenge