I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
You Might Also Like
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a