*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
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I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.