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When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
how to exercise your calf muscles