FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
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Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Damn what did I do next
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
me opening up to someone