If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
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Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog