My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
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i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.