Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
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Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets