I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
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“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Remember folks 😂
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Not even remotely sorry.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.