If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
ok hear me out: Luigiana
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.