If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
This meeting could have been a cake
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
*exercises sarcastically*
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?