Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
just pretend nothing happened
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life