My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby