How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
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People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.