BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
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Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
@ candidates for local office
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
True
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Choose your fighter
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
The three genders
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!