I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
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Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
😂😂
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Day 2 of my diet
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.