Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
You Might Also Like
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.