I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Roses are red, you always mattered,
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
When you let grandma cat sit
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said