Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
You Might Also Like
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.