馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
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This is Facts right here 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃拃
me: why do you think my parents don鈥檛 love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
I wish I were this cool 馃槀
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
step 6: release the wall snake
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me trying to look natural in photos
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should鈥檝e seen that coming.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.