Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
You Might Also Like
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
incredible text to wake up to
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
🤣could you imagine