If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
In Canada they just call them geese
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
birds and squirrels envy us
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this