I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
You Might Also Like
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!