I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
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Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.