Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
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FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night