*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
This has made my week.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.