There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
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I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
We cut our bangs at dawn.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
#parenting
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.